I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
