I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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