Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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