They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
