I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
i've created a new STD.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Randomize
