The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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