so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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