Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
