Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
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