We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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