My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
