The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I smell stomach acid.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
