Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
