I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Randomize
