wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
