dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
