i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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