I'm jealous of your bromance
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
