dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
