Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
So much rum. So many feels.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
