Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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