if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
