if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
