At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
