I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
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