OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Randomize
