imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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