youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
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