i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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