im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
