i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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