You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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