A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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