dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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