Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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