Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Just cropdusted the office
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
