There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I deserve this hangover.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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