Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
