I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
