I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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