Dual....:-)
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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