masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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