when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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