We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
