If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
