I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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