last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
