I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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