Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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