Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
