census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
