also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
