what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
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